The first time the Helldiver saved my life was on Parsh. A Harvester's beam was targeting me, and they tackled me out of the way. The beam hit them. I'll never forget the acrid smell of burning armour. I remember how their armour melted. To see solid plates flow? I can't imagine the pain they were in. They carried me to safety.
The second time the Helldiver saved my life was on Hort. I knew it was the same Helldiver, because their armour wasn't standard. I looked it up after. Kodiak. The melted plates had been replaced, but I recognized the scorching on the undersuit. Innumerable voteless were threatening to overwhelm our position. They landed their Hellpod in the midst of them, and rose like a vengeful angel, sword swinging. They yelled at us, the SEAF squad, to focus fire on the overseers. We did. The Helldiver carved through the voteless. Never seeming to tire. When the last enemy to Democracy fell, they looked at their little wrist computer thing, and started jogging off to who knows where. Well. Not before saluting us. I was blown away. I only saluted back out of sheer reflex. A Helldiver? Saluting us?
I didn't see the Helldiver again for some months. The bots were making a push. We SEAF had been sent to bolster numbers. The third time the Helldiver saved my life was on Vernen Wells. A Hulk ran down my squad. It's buzzsaw whirled, spilling the blood of my friends. It was going to cut me in half. I was going to die. The Helldiver caught the arm, and slowed it's swing. I couldn't move. I've never been so scared in my life. I watched the Helldiver brace a foot against the Hulk's body as it spun, trying to dislodge the Helldiver. They drew a pistol. The Helldiver emptied the cylinder into the joint between arm and body. The thunder of each shot reverberated with my heartbeat. The arm fell. The Helldiver slammed a grenade— thermite into the Hulk's eye. The Helldiver threw me over their shoulder and ran. The Hulk exploded.
"Are you hurt?" The Helldiver asked me. Their voice was distorted, mechanical, through the helmet.
"I—" I stammered. Was I hurt? Why were they asking me? They were the one that had just fistfought a Hulk! "No." I told the Helldiver.
"Your squad is lost," the Helldiver said, placing a reassuring hand on my shoulder. The weight of it felt— nice. "You should clear out," the Helldiver continued, "get back to base and regroup." Their helmet tilted, and I could almost feel the smile behind the eyes hidden by mirrored red visor. "We'll clean up here."
It was again months, and I had not seen the Helldiver since. I was worried. They said Helldivers never died. But, well, the realities of war. I held the half filled C-01 form in trembling hands. It was creased and crumpled. Not for lack of care. I just brought it with me to every deployment. I was going to give it to that Helldiver. I just had no idea who they were. Where to find them. But they had saved my life three times before. When I met them for the fourth time, I'd tell them how I felt. How my heart had skipped a beat when they had touched my shoulder.
"Still holding out for your hero?"
I started at the voice. Private Fuller. I hadn't heard them sit down next to me. I quickly folded the C-01, and tucked it into my pocket. Fuller was a friend, but I was still a bit embarrassed about the whole thing. A schoolgirl's fantasy, really. My Knight in matte gray armour.
When I didn't answer, Fuller continued, "what do you think the odds even are of meeting your Helldiver again? It's a big galaxy."
I sighed, "fifty fifty. Either I will or I won't."
Fuller laughed, "pretty sure that's not how statistics work, but I'll be rooting for you nonetheless!" They paused to stir some of the food around their plate. "Got your orders yet? We're being deployed again."
I shook my head, "not yet. I left my pad in my bunk. Guess I should check it. Where?"
Through a mouthful Fuller answered, "still bots. Aurora Bay."
I froze. "Fuller. That's— that's deep behind lines. We—" I tried to calm my breathing. Stop the panic before it got roots in. "We're not equipped to handle that kind of resistance." I leaned in and lowered my voice, "Fuller, we're not Helldivers, we're just— we're expendable. We're going to die there."
Fuller shrugged, "command wouldn't throw us at anything we couldn't handle. You worry too much."
My world was fire and blood and screaming and death. The platoon had taken 80% casualties already. I had lost my helmet— somewhere. Not sure. We had been running and fighting for two days with what rest we could manage happening in the field.
My pad beeped. Orders. Helldivers dropping in. They were here with one mission. Kill automatons. Thin their numbers. We were to support them. I glanced around the survivors. The remnants of my platoon. I suppose no one had thought to update command as to our current strength. I wasn't sure how much help we could be. But orders were orders, and we marched. We watched the Hellpods burn through the atmosphere. Helldivers were safety. We'd be fine once we reached them.
We lost three more before we could link up with the Helldivers. They were working on resetting a LIDAR station. I was numb from loss. So numb in fact, I didn't even realize one of the Helldivers, my Helldiver, had moved to stand before me. I squeaked when their hand clamped onto my shoulder.
"Glad to see you survived the rest of Vernen Wells, SEAF!"
They recognized me? The Helldiver recognized me? How? I was a nobody. "I— that is— umm. Yes sir," I managed to get out. I chastised myself internally for my fumbling.
I shared a glance with Fuller. They hadn't believed me when I had told them this Helldiver had the kindest, most reassuring loom ever. I felt safe in their shadow. Like they were a wall, protecting me from the war.
Another Helldiver called out that they were ready to move. My Helldiver gave a thumbs up, then asked me, "are you ready SEAF? We have another battle to survive."
All my words fled, so I simply nodded, and pulled down a salute. The Helldiver returned it.
I had my doubts before, but if this Helldiver said we could survive, I believed them. Though those doubts came creeping back in as we advanced. A bot patrol led by a Warstrider crested the hill right before us. We and the Helldivers opened fire. The smaller bots cut down first, lest they summon reinforcements. Not that that mattered. Gunships swept the area as the Strider spewed forth a barrage of grenades. The Helldivers scattered, and so did we. Most of us. Panic locked my legs in place. The one Helldiver, my Helldiver wrapped their arms around me, with their back to the spread of explosives. Multiple consecutive blasts tossed us to and fro. I felt the Helldiver shudder with each impact. They did not waver, however, and when the explosions ceased, they rolled to their feet, and shot. A rifle almost as tall as me. One gunship down. They worked the bolt with mechanical precision. The second gunship fell. The War Strider closed, and raised a foot to crush us. This was the fourth time the Helldiver saved my life. They pulled the trigger. There was an explosion and I was on my back. It was not a weapon meant for close range. A hand swam into my vision. The Helldiver's glove.
"Sorry," they said, "I think I blocked most of the blast, but I couldn't help knocking into you. Are you hurt?"
My vision cleared. The Helldiver was a mess. Blood seeped from a dozen shrapnel wounds. "Are you hurt!?"
The Helldiver looked down at their torso, "I'll be fine," they said, helping me to my feet.
We regrouped and assessed the losses. Fuller, myself, and one other private who's name escaped me were all that was left for the SEAF contingent here.
One Helldiver spoke, "let's make for extraction. There's enough between here and there to count the mission a success."
"Affirmative," said my Helldiver. They turned to me, "will you make it back to your base all right?”
I saluted, "yes sir! But our orders were to support the Helldivers. We'll see you to extraction, first."
The Helldiver's head cocked to the side. I hadn't realized before how much their helmet looked like a dog's snout. "Let's be about it, then," they said.
We fought hard. As hard as we could. The Helldivers were a marvel, though. With them the tip of the spear, we carved a path forward. Extraction was blessedly clear. The minutes waiting for the dropship were tense, but uncontested. My Helldiver was the last to set foot on the ramp. We SEAF wouldn't board the dropship. We were to stay planetside. I grabbed the Helldiver's arm to stop them. This was my last chance. They turned a quizzical look at me. At least I guessed it was quizzical. As best I could tell from the helmet.
"Uhm—" I stammered, fishing out the C-01, smearing just a bit of blood on it. I presented it to the Helldiver, "would you sign this, please?" I said all in a rush.
The Helldiver didn't take it. They just looked it over. To my horror they started to laugh. I should've known better. Helldivers were a cut above us. Above me. Tears welled in my eyes. I should've known better than to shoot my shot so high. I turned and ran.
"Wait!" I heard the Helldiver call.
I ignored them.
"Pelicans leaving, Howl," I heard another Helldiver say.
I didn't look back, but I could feel the Helldiver's eyes on me.
We SEAF made it back to base. With so few left in the platoon, we were put on leave until we could be redeployed to a full unit. I was hurt. Deeply so. So much loss. A foundation for the hurt of a painful, cruel, rejection. Fuller tried to be there for me, but I was inconsolable. So hurt, so empty, I barely had the tears for it.
There was a knock at our door. I didn't react. Fuller answered it. A sergeant was there. "There a private Day here?"
Fuller gestured at my nigh catatonic self.
"Someone here to see you, Day. They're waiting in my office."
Who would want to see me? I was a nobody. Wanted by no one. I rolled out of bed, and did my best to tug my uniform straight. Fuller fixed my collar as I moved to follow the sergeant.
"Gotta say," the Sarge said, "a little bit curious what one of them is doing asking after a private. A little curious and a little jealous!" They laughed.
I couldn't fathom what or who they were talking about. I didn't ask. I couldn't bring myself to care.
At the sergeant's office, they opened the door, and let me in. "I'll give you two some privacy."
I stepped over the threshold, and the door closed behind me. Standing there, back to me, was the Helldiver. Somehow their cape flowed even in the stale room air. The golden winged skull and sword rippled. They turned. They seemed to be standing at ease, but there was tension in their shoulders. I could tell.
"First thing," the Helldiver said, "I wanted to apologize. I shouldn't have laughed. For clarity's sake, I wasn't laughing at you or your offer, but that's no excuse for my behavior. Can you forgive me?"
I was stunned. I couldn't speak. I could barely keep my mouth from gaping open at the absurdity of what was happening. A Helldiver. A real honest to Lady Liberty Helldiver had sought me out and was asking for my forgiveness? A curt nod was all I could manage.
"I hope," the Helldiver said, "you'll allow me to explain."
I nodded again.
"Do you still have the form?" They asked.
After what happened on extraction, I had considered throwing it out. Just couldn't quite bring myself to do it, though. It had been a good luck charm all those months. I freed it from my pocket and handed it over.
The Helldiver delicately plucked it from my fingers, and unfolded it. They flattened it on the sergeant's desk, and scanned the text. "Here," they said, pointing. "This is why I laughed."
I twisted my neck to read what line they were pointing to. It was partially smeared with blood. 'All acts that could result in a child—' the rest unreadable for the stains. "I— I don't get it," I said.
"Private Day," the Helldiver said, "the last time I checked two women have a zero percent chance of a child resulting. You could've just asked. There was no need for the form."
"I—" I stammered. "Wait. What. You— you're— hang on. I'm—"
The Helldiver raised their— her hands in a placating gesture, "please, Private Day, breathe. It's okay."
I was hyperventilating, trying to process, "I— but I'm not gay?" I don't know why I said that like a question. I liked men! Probably! I thought…
The Helldiver nodded, "not the first time someone's made that mistake. I am rather tall for a woman, and the armour is androgynous." The Helldiver straightened. "At any rate, I'm glad we were able to clear the air. Stay safe out there, Private." They made for the door.
I caught her arm. "Wait." I whispered.
The Helldiver turned. A comforting loom.
"Would you— that is— can I—" I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to force the words out in a sensible string. "Coffee?" Was the best I could manage.
The Helldiver paused. Quirked their helmeted head to the side. She pulled her helmet free with a pop hiss. "Private Day, I would love to join you for coffee."
